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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/29055681">it's a lovely day in Kaer Morhen and Jaskier is a horrible raccoon</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/JuneOokami/pseuds/JuneOokami'>JuneOokami</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Wiedźmin | The Witcher (Video Game), Wiedźmin | The Witcher - All Media Types, Wiedźmin | The Witcher Series - Andrzej Sapkowski</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Character turned into animal, Crack, Exactly What It Says on the Tin, F/M, Fluff and Crack, Gen, Hijinks &amp; Shenanigans, M/M, Multi, raccoons and their tiny human hands</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2021-01-29</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2021-01-29</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-13 07:28:42</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>General Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>2,422</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/29055681</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/JuneOokami/pseuds/JuneOokami</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>""Don't you dare," Geralt threatened, already rushing up after him.<br/>Raccoons were, apparently, able to waggle their eyebrows in challenge."</p><p>A curse turns Jaskier into a raccoon and Geralt makes this everyone else's problem.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Cirilla Fiona Elen Riannon &amp; Geralt z Rivii &amp; Jaskier | Dandelion &amp; Yennefer z Vengerbergu, Cirilla Fiona Elen Riannon &amp; Jaskier | Dandelion</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>18</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>101</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>it's a lovely day in Kaer Morhen and Jaskier is a horrible raccoon</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><ul class="associations">
      <li>For <a href="https://archiveofourown.org/users/Silversouledcat/gifts">Silversouledcat</a>.</li>



    </ul><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>Another fic born out of discord shitposting. Thanks to silver for the beta.<br/>Implied Geralt/Jaskier/Yennefer.</p><p>Inspired by this amazing art and idea: https://hobbart-art.tumblr.com/post/629072270793572352/a-counter-thought-to-all-those-lovely-fics-and-art</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Yennefer's beauty rest was rudely interrupted by a knock on her door at the ungodly hour of two in the morning. She was ready to kill whoever was responsible for this crime against common sense, until she opened the door to find… </p><p>"Geralt," she said, frowning, and then frowning even more at the raccoon he was brandishing in her direction. Maybe she was still sleeping. Maybe this was a nightmare of some sort. "What is the meaning of this?"</p><p>The raccoon attempted to grab her night robe with its tiny little grabby hands and Yennefer took a step back, for safety reasons. Not hers, though.</p><p>"I need your help," Geralt said.</p><p>Geralt's little hostage made excited, chittering noises. She sighed and looked up at her Witcher.</p><p>"With the raccoon, I presume."</p><p>"It's Jaskier," he explained, brandishing the little critter some more. </p><p>Sure enough, when Yennefer looked more closely, the raccoon was wearing a tiny, magenta feathered hat. It - He, apparently, also had painted nails.</p><p>"I'd say this is an improvement," she joked. </p><p>The raccoon-Jaskier seemed outraged and squirmed in Geralt's hands, held up by the armpits as he was.</p><p>Geralt grunted. "He can hide under furniture and squeeze into small holes, has no fear of heights and he bites." Yennefer raised an eyebrow at him, waiting for the punchline. Geralt sighed deeply. "Also, he can still play the lute."</p><p>"Okay, that sounds like torture," Yennefer agreed, stepping back inside in search of something to drink. "Come in, I'll see what I can do."</p><p> </p><p>Ciri stared at the raccoon sitting on the table with his little legs hanging out.</p><p>Her father had placed him there and walked off with a grumble about gathering all the books they had on curses. Yen had threatened the raccoon with taking away his lute before vanishing upstairs.</p><p>It wasn't exactly hard to figure out.</p><p>"Alright. Not much I can do except help with research," Ciri said, shrugging. "Do you wanna eat?"</p><p>Jaskier chirped and nodded excitedly, which looked ridiculously cute. Just about everything he did looked kinda cute, actually, as he was about the size of a toddler.</p><p>"Any preferences? I've been told my chicken sandwiches are a step above edible by now."</p><p>He blinked and cocked his head, apparently casting his suspicions on that statement. </p><p>Ciri giggled, deciding to take that as a compliment. She picked the raccoon up and, after thinking for a second, Ciri placed him on her shoulder on a sort of piggyback ride. Jaskier held on to her hair on the short walk to the keep's kitchen. It was a very awkward sensation, but Ciri wasn't bothered.</p><p>Jaskier adjusted his hat after she placed him on the counter. Ciri was mostly positive that it was his usual hat, just downsized, but she couldn't begin to guess why or how.</p><p>Ciri started making those sandwiches, even though Jaskier had immediately found a jar of dried fruits and made himself comfortable beside her. "Hey. I just thought of something," said Ciri, stopping mid-chop. "They haven't tried kissing you yet, have they?"</p><p>The way Jaskier stopped eating and perked up, with his little black eyes full of hope, was adorable. </p><p>Ciri smiled at him and stole one of his fruits. "I'm suggesting that as soon as Geralt comes back with those books."</p><p> </p><p>Age was a funny thing to Witchers, to put it mildly.</p><p>Vesemir's bones weren't quite creaking yet but he did feel the weight of his many, many years on his back. He was also too old to chase after anything that wasn't a contract. All he wanted was to winter peacefully and rest before a new year on the Path.</p><p>He had no idea what the deal with the damned raccoon was.</p><p>With a deep frown, deeper than usual, Vesemir watched as the little critter climbed on the scaffolding near one of the old murals. Cirilla was laughing like this was the funniest joke she'd heard in ages, standing next to Geralt below the scaffolding.</p><p>"Get down here, you little shit!"</p><p>Maybe his eyesight was finally going bad, because Vesemir could swear the raccoon flipped Geralt off.</p><p>Or maybe not, considering Ciri fell on her ass with laughter.</p><p>"I think you're gonna have to climb after him," she said, tearing up from laughing so hard. Geralt turned and glared at her, to no effect. Ciri had been immune to that specific glare since age nine, if Vesemir recalled correctly.</p><p>He noticed something was amiss, though, now that Geralt had turned his way. "Where is your medallion?" </p><p>While Ciri sat up and waved at him, still laughing, Geralt grunted, as usual, and jerked a thumb over his shoulder at the raccoon. "Jaskier got it while I was bathing."</p><p>Vesemir looked up. The raccoon brandished the Wolf School medallion like it was bait. So that was the bard, under some sort of curse presumably. The three Witchers watched as the raccoon walked - or rather wobbled on his hind legs - over to the nearest open window. It sounded like he was snickering.</p><p>"Don't you dare," Geralt threatened, already rushing up after him.</p><p>Raccoons were, apparently, able to waggle their eyebrows in challenge.</p><p>"I don't think he's taking you seriously," commented Ciri from the peanut gallery, making no move whatsoever to use her actual short-distance teleporting skills to help.</p><p>"If you do this, Jaskier, I swear…"</p><p>With a flourish, the raccoon tossed Geralt's medallion out through the window.</p><p>"Oh, you fucking-" Geralt growled, poucing on the raccoon. He missed the slippery little bastard, instead crashing into several boxes piled up near the window while Jaskier used his back as a launching pad to get away. </p><p>Vesemir turned to Ciri. "I'm going to regret asking, I know, but please explain."</p><p>Ciri needed a second to control herself, wheezing from laughing so much. "Oh, he's mad because Geralt washed him earlier, after Jaskier shovelled most of a pie into his mouth and got covered in filling and crumbs," she said, hands on her hips as she caught her breath. Vesemir noted how Ciri skipped over everything else about this situation, clearly on purpose.</p><p>Both turned to look as they heard another crash, on the other side of the room, as the raccoon climbed on some old shelf. A lute strummed, a glass jar broke, and more raccoon noises came from that direction. </p><p>He crossed his arms and turned back to Ciri, who had in turn decided to watch as Geralt jumped from the scaffolding and ran after the raccoon, cursing up a storm. "Is Yennefer here?" he asked with a sigh.</p><p>"Yeah, she kicked them both out and locked herself in one of the rooms upstairs. Says she'll find a way to fix this later, after she gets some sleep."</p><p>Vesemir shook his head and walked off in search of a place to get some sleep of his own. </p><p> </p><p>"Hold it like this," Ciri instructed, holding out her own cup as an example.</p><p>Jaskoon, as she'd been calling him, blinked a few times. He looked down at the cup in front of him, grabbed it tentatively with his tiny human-like hands, and held it up for inspection.</p><p>"Very good," praised Ciri, beaming with pride. "Now try shaking it like this."</p><p>He shook the cup a bit clumsily but it was good enough.</p><p>"Good. Now here's the tricky part: move your hands like this to turn it down, yeah, like that, then put it back on the table. Great! I can help you with the rest. Think you can manage that?"</p><p>Jaskoon nodded, clapping his little hands and chittering loudly in excitement.</p><p>"Fantastic! Let's play some dice poker!"</p><p> </p><p>Eskel had seen a lot of things as a Witcher. All kinds of weird curses, a few legends come true, plenty of silly things that people turned into big deals by word of mouth. Plus, he had heard many of Geralt's stories and, well, Geralt was a weirdness magnet. Eskel and the other Wolves liked it that way: let the djinns and the rat curses and the talking ghouls flock to Geralt and not them, thank you very much. All in all, Eskel was hardly ever impressed by anything at this point.</p><p>He was impressed by a raccoon playing Gwent, though. A raccoon dressed like a bard, no less. </p><p>Eskel didn't bother with pointless questions as he approached the table. "Since when is he cursed?"</p><p>"A month," said Geralt and Ciri in unison. The kid sounded amused, though, while Geralt sounded downright miserable.</p><p>"Too long," said Yennefer, rolling her eyes in exasperation. Jaskier the raccoon, probably having already mastered this new form, smiled at her. It looked… strange, since raccoons were probably not meant to smile, but this was their problem and not his. </p><p>Grabbing a tankard, Eskel joined them at the table. There were some salty treats, ale and a bottle of wine, so he was all set for the show. "Vesemir?" he asked, looking around and not seeing the older Witcher.</p><p>"Doing research on curses. I needed some wine," explained the sorceress, gesturing with her drink.</p><p>"Just play already," growled Geralt, head leaning on his free hand, draped over the table. </p><p>Jaskier the raccoon dramatically placed a card with the White Wolf's likeness on the table and smiled more, showing many sharp teeth. Eskel had never seen something this ridiculous in his life. Geralt grumbled something foul and played a siege engine card.</p><p>Ciri leaned and pointed at one of the cards in the raccoons hands. "Play this one next," she suggested.</p><p>"Stop helping him. You've done enough teaching him how to play," complained Geralt.</p><p>"Nope. This is what you get for forbidding us from playing dice poker," retorted Ciri. Jaskier the raccoon nodded vigorously in agreement and played the card she had picked, a spy unit that was supposed to look like Sigismund Djikstra. "Yes! Here, I'll draw for you."</p><p>Eskel chuckled and ate some fried ham. "Lambert isn't here yet, is he? He's missing out on this."</p><p>Geralt grunted more and laid down his remaining two cards in surrender. Jaskier the raccoon tossed his many cards up in the air in celebration.</p><p> </p><p>Lambert hadn't expected to find a fucking raccoon in the kitchen what, five minutes after he entered the keep? But there was a raccoon in the kitchen, dipping cookies into a jar of honey like he owned the place. It was sitting on the table like a little kid too, which just added insult to injury.</p><p>"What the fuck is going on here?" he asked out loud, hoping someone could explain the… the… that wasn't a regular raccoon. Normal, woodland critters didn't usually wear fancy little feathered hats and scarves. The hat was a rather familiar, eye searing shade of pink. Lambert narrowed his eyes. </p><p>The raccoon, in turn, chirped and offered him a cookie.</p><p>Lambert considered it. It looked pretty normal to him. </p><p>The raccoon dipped the cookie in  honey and offered it again.</p><p>Lambert couldn't very well refuse, now could he?</p><p>He walked out of the kitchen and yelled with his mouth full, "Geralt! Your raccoon boyfriend is in the kitchen unsupervised!"</p><p> </p><p>Geralt placed his bard-turned-raccoon on the wooden fence and looked him in the eyes. "Stay put for a minute," he asked, being as nice as he could.</p><p>Jaskier put both hands - paws? - on his face and stretched it until he was smiling. The smile wasn't entirely involuntary. </p><p>"Yeah, alright, I'm not mad with you," said Geralt, scratching Jaskier behind the ear because he liked that, apparently. Must be the raccoon equivalent of playing with his hair, so it made sense. "But Lambert and Aiden are, so just stay here with me while I brush Roach. They'll cool down eventually."</p><p>That seemed to convince him, so Geralt turned his attention to his horse. She gave him a judgemental look, so he flicked her ear before grabbing the brush.</p><p>Someone yelled something about a lute and an ass from inside the keep. There was an explosion. It was a small bomb, judging by the fact that the stables didn't shake this time. Geralt sighed.</p><p>"You couldn't just wait a few hours to play, could you?" he asked without looking back. All he heard was the sound of a raccoon snickering.</p><p> </p><p>"No!"</p><p>Jaskier ran past Yennefer.</p><p>"Come back here!" yelled Ciri from the kitchen.</p><p>He did not, instead climbing up the stairs as fast as his short legs could carry him.</p><p>"What was that in his hand?" asked Yennefer, worried that she might know the answer already.</p><p>"A knife!" replied Ciri, dashing past as she chased after the bard.</p><p>"No!" yelled Yen, joining her.</p><p> </p><p>"I think I've found something," announced Ciri to the keep at large. Witchers and sorceress congregated around her almost immediately like flies to honey. "This scroll doesn't talk about raccoons specifically, but it could work."</p><p>Yennefer took the scroll from her hands and read it silently. "Nothing else seems to be working, so we lose nothing by trying," she concluded, passing it on to Geralt.</p><p>"This… is about a goose," he pointed out.</p><p>Ciri shrugged. "Similar levels of chaos?" she offered. "Better than having a rogue raccoon loose on Kaer Morhen until the end of winter."</p><p>They shared a look.</p><p>"Great, so we're all in agreement," decided Yennefer, clapping her gloved hands. "Where is our bard?"</p><p>Lambert was the first to turn pale. "Wait, no one is watching the bard?!"</p><p> </p><p>"Come now, friends. It wasn't so bad!" said Jaskier, thankfully back to his human form. "We had so much fun together!"</p><p>Everyone glared at him, with varying levels of seriousness.</p><p>Jaskier got up, adjusted his hat, scarf and sleeves. "Think of the fantastic jig that shall come off this experience!" he tried with his most dashing smile, picking up his lute.</p><p>"Not a chance, bard," threatened Lambert, pulling out his sword.</p><p>Laughing nervously, Jaskier started to back away slowly. "Now, now! No need to be so harsh! You wouldn't want to waste all the work put into undoing that nasty curse, would you?"</p><p>"I told you it wouldn't take two minutes. Here we go," muttered an amused Ciri to Geralt, who just sighed loudly. </p><p>Lambert twirled his sword and took a step forward. "Try me."</p><p>Jaskier, not looking where he was going, backed into a shelf. The impact jostled his fingers, making some unpleasant, off-key noises on the lute. He looked up at Lambert and smiled sheepishly.</p><p>Lambert glared.</p><p>Laughter filled the room as Jaskier panicked and bolted, holding on to the lute for dear life, with Lambert on his tail.</p>
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